WITHOUT COMMITMENT TO A COMMON GOAL, ANY CONFLICT COULD DESTROY A RELATIONSHIP


If you do not have a common goal, then any conflict could be the last one in your relationship, the thing that brings your relationship down. When we have a common goal or commitment that we have chosen together with our partner, then any conflict that comes up is just something to move through on the way to that goal. As we resolve each conflict, we build another layer of partnership.


Today, take some time to close your eyes and visualise your purpose in the relationship. What is it you want? What is it you have chosen? Feel your partner arm-in-arm with you, moving forward in confidence toward this goal. Know that you can step through each conflict together on the way to the goal. As you commit, the power of the conflict is lessened and the power of the relationship is increased.

EVERY TIME I SEE SOMEONE AS INNOCENT, I FREE MYSELF


Innocence frees us. Seeing others as innocent also frees us because, when we see others as innocent, our hidden guilt is released. Guilt keeps us feeling unworthy, in sacrifice, and punishing ourself. When we see someone else as guilty, we are punishing ourself. Our willingness to overlook mistakes and to see our partner as innocent will free us. Our partner has been doing the very best they can, given their inner and outer circumstances and their life story. Rather than complaining, we can help a great deal more by supporting and coaching.


Today, observe where you have been considering other people as wrong, bad, or guilty. Ask yourself, "How have I been punishing myself if I am seeing them in this way?" Take a moment and see what pops into your mind. If this kind of self-retribution is not what you want, then be willing to consider the fact that they are innocent. As a healing statement, say, "I will release myself today by your innocence. I will release myself today by my innocence." Then say, "I see (the person's name) as innocent, and I see myself as innocent so we may be free to walk as allies."

I WILL LOSE MY PARTNER'S WILLINGNESS TO COMMUNICATE IF I MAKE IT ALL ABOUT ME


One of the most important secrets of relationship is recognising that making every communication about ourself, rather than about both our partner and ourself, will destroy a relationship. Our relationship is not here just for ourself; it is here for both our partner and ourself. There is a problem that rocks and swamps typically get into around communication. Swamps are natural communicators. They tend to personalise things so they speak about themselves and their own feelings. Rocks are out of touch with their feelings. They tend to dissociate themselves and to be stoic, so they are not very good with feelings. A rock will share their personal feelings about three major times in a relationship and typically only a total of seven times before giving up. On these rare occasions, they open up their heart and talk about what they are experiencing, what their personal feelings are. Sometimes at that point, a swamp will indulge themselves and turn that personal sharing into an attack on themselves, which is just a way of stealing centre stage, again. If the swamp takes the communication and uses it to bring the story line back to themselves, they have lost a major opportunity. It is important for swamps to recognise those rare times when a rock will take a risk and let down the drawbridge to show their deep, inner feelings. If the swamp succeeds in listening and supporting the rock's communication, the rock will take other risks.


Today is a day for supporting and opening communication with your partner. If you are a rock, take a risk to share what is really going on for you. As you do, support your swamp by letting them know that your communication is not intended to make them feel wrong. If you are a swamp, go out to support your rock so that they feel safe enough to lower the drawbridge. Be aware though that, sometimes, swamps encourage their partners to share, but when they really share, the swamp runs. Be sure that when you are asking for your partner to share, you are not also pushing them away because you are afraid of what they might say. Swamps, do not let what your partner shares be just one more excuse to prove that you are unlovable. Rocks are just saying what they are feeling, and they need to get that out before they can move on; all they need is a little support and compassion. This is the time to borrow the rock's natural inclination and ability to abstract, to impersonalise what your partner is saying. Editor's Note: "Rock" and "swamp" are terms used by Dr. Spezzano to describe two completely different styles of communication in relationship. Refer to Lesson 276.

STAYING OPEN AND FEELING MY FEELINGS CREATES HEALING


Many times when we are attacked, whether or not what they are saying has any vestige of truth in it, painful feelings like guilt, anger, fear, hurt, frustration, or whatever they happen to be, rise up in us. When we are confronted with these feelings, we either dissociate from them or we use them in retaliation. Neither of these forms of defence truly works to change the situation. The best response is to stand defenceless. Defencelessness recognises that these feelings are neither right nor wrong, they are simply true because we are experiencing them. With this attitude we stay open to feeling our natural feelings until they are gone, taking a step for both ourself and the attacker. When the bad feeling is gone, the step is completed, and the relationship moves forward.


Today, stand as defenceless as possible and take courage in experiencing your feelings. You might go into more dire feelings, but just feel them until they have completely melted away. Take whatever time you need. In the end, there is peace and happiness. This by itself can be the healing that moves your relationship forward.

A PROBLEM OCCURS IN MY RELATIONSHIP WHEN I AM AFRAID TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP


Many times problems are just distractions from taking the next step. I have seen major problems fall away when a person becomes willing to take the next step. When a problem occurs the answer comes with it. Our willingness to trust this and move forward allows us to know what the answer is. Once we have taken the next step, whatever the issue is will completely disappear or it may just be something to handle, but it will no longer be a problem.


Today, choose the three juiciest problems in your life. Take five minutes in the morning to explore the first problem, and say, "I will not be fooled by this problem. I know this is just the result of fear, and I can step through this fear by taking the next step. I say Yes to the next step in my life. I trust this next step will come to me. I know that it is better than this. I will not be caught by this problem. This problem is not the truth." In the afternoon, choose the second problem, and spend another five minutes on it. In the evening, do this once again with the third problem. You will be very happy with the results!

EVERY POWER STRUGGLE IS A REMINDER OF A PLACE WHERE I HAVE BEEN HURT


Beneath every power struggle there is a heartbreak. In a power struggle our partner acts out the part of us that we pushed away, hid, or built a defence against because we believe that part hurt us or got us into trouble. Power struggles hold us back because they keep us stuck in a position of trying to defend our old hurt and heartbreaks, so we won't be hurt again. This hasn't worked so far and it won't work now. In recognising that any power struggle is a trigger to help us remember old hurt and pain so as to heal it, we can take the next step by integrating those parts of us that we thought hurt us. The healing of power struggle is really the healing of an old broken heart.


Today, in this power struggle, allow yourself to feel all of the negative feelings as old feelings. Feel them through until they are gone and until nothing stands between you and your partner. Feel them through, until you can really embrace your partner as the person who is always giving you back a piece of your heart, a piece of your mind.

In any conflict, people act out opposite behaviours, but underneath their behaviour, they are feeling the same thing. For instance, one person may be a spendthrift and the other a miser. Both people are feeling the same sense of scarcity, the fear that there is not enough. The spendthrift compensates for this feeling by spending excessively to get over this fear. The miser on the other hand, pinches pennies to protect against the feeling of scarcity. In any power struggle both people are trying to protect themselves against the same feeling. If we are in touch with our feelings, we can then be in touch with the feeling underneath our partner's behaviour. Our willingness to begin communicating about this feeling allows us to find a common place, a beginning of something that we share. This is the beginning of healing, because once we find an area of common connection, we are on our way to moving forward together.


Today, choose a person with whom you are in conflict, and ask yourself, "What is the feeling underneath my behaviour?" Now take a look at their behaviour and see if their feeling fits with yours. Naturally, when you are at the most essential feeling, you find that it fits exactly. If you come to a feeling of anger, realise anger is a defence that protects an even deeper feeling. Whatever your deeper feeling, be willing to begin the communication by sharing your feelings with the purpose of moving ahead. For instance, you could start off by saying, "I'm feeling this feeling, are you feeling it too?"